A Runner, Tastykakes, and Hitting Reset. My Eating Disorder Story
My struggle stems from my background as a lifelong athlete. My self-worth correlates to my athletic performance.
In high school, I found my passion as a runner. Running is a sport where weight correlates to performance. Not for everyone, but for me 100% the case, it is the truth.
So, in my brain:
Running fast = feeling good
Weighing less = running fast
Thus
Weighing less = feeling good
Or
Weighing more = feeling bad
As a kid, I played all sports and kicked butt. Football, baseball, and basketball. I was one of the best, if not the best player on the team. Not bragging, but facts are facts. I would receive praise for playing well on game day. I became obsessed with sports and cared little about anything else (including grades).
I found track and field as a freshman in high school. It was clear I had the talent to be a good (potentially great) runner. I gave up baseball and football to pursue running. As a 14-year-old, I was all in on running, and things went very well. I achieved at a high level for several years, I won a lot of races, and several Division 1 schools recruited me. But, my obsession with only sports limited my collegiate options.
Because, grades. Important. Who knew?
But, I got into a few school and there I was, a Division 1 athlete!
My relationship with food
As a high school kid, I could throw food down! I would laugh about how much I would eat. It is funny to slam a whole pound of pasta or eat a restaurant out of wings on “wing night.” I can remember skipping meals to make myself feel hungrier for my next meal. Then, I would I would FEAST!
I would binge eat on purpose. Habitually!
Not a great habit, but I was young and never gained an lb. So why the heck not?!?
I went to college with bad habits, zero nutrition education, and a poor relationship with food. I knew the freshmen 15 was a thing, but not for me, not a D1 Cross Country runner. So, every meal was a binge session. It didn’t take long to put on lbs. I was living proof that you can not “outrun” a poor diet. I was running 80 miles a week as an 18-year-old and gained 13 lbs. in less than a month!!!
Then, I started to suck at running. Every practice, I would get buried by my teammates. My coaches resentment me and I didn’t have any friends outside of the team.
I was alone in a new place with no support. I thought at least I was good athlete, but now I’m nobody.
College was tough.
So, how could I fix my situation? I thought long and hard about it, but the answer was always the same. I had to get better at running. But, the 13 lbs. was keeping me from that goal.
I could fix everything if I could lose the 13 lbs.
My Downward Spiral
At the time, all I knew was “calories make you fat,” so I stopped eating them. I started school with a cabinet full of snacks, but soon, it was bare. I got rid of all food because it was keeping me from my goals.
The bread had how many calories?
Peanut butter… what the f?!?
Tastykakes, you are the devil!
I stopped eating breakfast.
Then, I stopped eating lunch.
And, dinner was a protein bar or a salad with tuna.
The less I ate, the better I felt. When I did eat, I couldn’t stop thinking about how “fat” my stomach would feel. I would spiral down a negative hole.
So, if I didn’t eat, I didn’t feel like shit, so I didn’t eat.
No brainer!
I thought, “I’ll eat again when I start running better.” I’m an f’n genius!
But, there were setbacks. My brilliant “no-eating” strategy was not infallible. My stress was sky high and my willpower was in the gutter. I would relish the times I let guard down to gorge.
Shame was close behind the relief and I was back at square one.
But, lucky for me, I found a “reset” button if I went off plan.
Purging my meals was an escape from the shame. The binge and purge was an intriguing solution to my problem. Luckily, it was never “Plan A” because it sucks to throw up. I didn’t like it one bit.
Also, I couldn’t be sure how many calories I had absorbed after a meal. So, It wasn’t precise enough. I like to be thorough it comes to eating disorders.
I was still running 60-80 miles a week. They were 60-80 piece of shit miles. Every run was the worst run. I was 13 lbs overweight and eating 500-1000 calories a day. The pattern went on for the first year and a half of my collegiate career.
The scale didn’t budge. I came to my breaking point and I was too embarrassed to seek “real” help.
When enough was enough
I had to transfer. Fall of sophomore year was a disaster, and I couldn’t hack it. I would get a fresh start, and I would quit running for good.
But, for some reason, I felt I owed it to myself and my family to give it one more semester.
During that second semester, I had a mental shift and decided to educate myself. I wouldn’t let anyone help me, so I had to help myself. I read some enlightening books on nutrition and training. I was able to dig myself out of the massive hole built. I ate “smarter” and added strength training. I lost weight, ran fast that season, and went on to have relative success as a collegiate runner.
I left school with a new obsession for nutrition and strength training (also a degree I didn’t know what to do with). I have studied nutrition and practiced the trends. Over the years, I have done high fat, low fat, no meat, animal products, all meat, and you get the idea.
Ten years later, I am still a competitive athlete with performance as my key metric. I have found that nutrition helps training and Some things work better than others. But, my weight would continue to fluctuate without rhyme or reason.
Enter macros
I learned about “counting macros” in 2015. “Macros” was a hard concept for me to grasp. I didn’t understand the “rules”. Other trends have a strict guideline. I was on the search for the “magic pill” solution. Counting macro is much more convoluted than “eat only fat” for example. I was skeptical.
Reluctantly, I tried it.
I began to log everything I ate.
Counting macros was enlightening as I realized food intake corresponds to performance. Seems like a “duh,” but I always thought it was my weight! I could feel the difference in my run when I would increase my carbs. I could see the change in my body when I had enough protein. I learned each macro has a purpose and place.
Me today
I am not going to lie, I battle with food intake to this day, but I know nutrition serves a significant purpose. I do train, a lot, and I know eating less will hurt my performance. I have a plan and I stick to it. I eat food I enjoy and I don’t overeat. Luckily, I no longer feel the impulse to hit my “reset” button.
Is my self-worth still tied to athletic performance? Well, I am working on it. I’ll get back to you.
